Tattling VS Telling

Sometimes We Miss the Big Picture

I was sitting at the playground on a Saturday afternoon when I watched a little boy screaming and running to his mom. He ran into her outstretched arms, sobbing that his big brother stole his toy truck.

The mom jumps off the bench, walking directly for her older son, and scolds him while she takes the toy, and gives it to the younger child. She looked at her younger son, who was stammering, trying to explain himself, and says “You need to be nice to your brother!” She turns around and heads back to the bench without another word.

Her son glares at her and then at his little brother and runs away. Not wanting to be around his younger sibling.

What this mom didn’t see, was that the younger boy dropped the toy on the ground. A little girl on the playground picked it up, and big brother got the toy back from her.

The older boy was proud of himself for rescuing his brother’s toy. He beamed as he looked for his little brother to give it back to him.

When the little brother saw the toy, he tried to take it from his brother. The older boy lifted the truck above his head, trying to explain to his sibling what had happened. Before he could do that, he had the toy ripped out of his hands by his mom, who scolded him and took the younger brother at his word.

I could see the resentment building in this older brother.

What he thought was a good deed he was now being punished for.

 Messages We Teach Children

The mother could have been tired, she reached her limit and was done hearing them fight. It could have been a long week and she didn’t feel like listening to anyone at that moment.

It happens to all of us.

Whatever the reasoning, she did create anger and resentment in her oldest child. She did validate a specific, negative behavior in her younger child.

The older boy just received the message that he was not to touch his brother’s things under any circumstances. If he did touch his things, he would get into trouble for it. If this type of message continues, the child will begin to avoid his brother, for fear of getting in trouble.

The younger brother received the message that he could leave his things lying around and someone else would watch out for them. He knows if he tells his mom that his brother (or anyone else) does something, she will run to his defense. This behavior is showing him that if he whines and complains enough, he will get what he wants..

This is the power of tattling.

Children Learn by Behavior

Kids are manipulative. It is second nature to them.

When they are babies they get what they want by crying out. Over time the parent understands the different types of cries and what the child needs at that time.

The child will begin to speak and learn basic words, this is when we begin to teach them to use their words. To ask for simple things such as “milk” or “toy”.

With each milestone they reach, they learn more and more about the rules that they need to follow.

Teaching our children early and often will help them understand that they can’t scream and point. That they need to use their voice when they want or need something.

Tattling

When a child runs to their parent, saying that their older brother took their toy, it is tattling.

When a big brother says “he said that he won’t play with me!” It is tattling.

Running to tell mom that little sister is jumping on the couch, is tattling.

Any act that a child does to try to get the other into trouble is tattling. They are going out of their way to let you know that the other child is breaking the rules.

Tattling is when a kid is trying to get another into trouble.

A child that is constantly tattling is one that will grow up to be a victim in our world. They will blame others for their problems and constantly come up with excuses.

Telling

When a child has fallen and is hurt, letting a grown-up know is telling.

Talking to a parent about another kid in school being bullied is telling.

Informing a parent that there is s strange grown-up talking to another child, is telling.

Telling is finding an adult and letting them know that there is a child that is in danger or hurt.

This is a time that a child cannot resolve an issue on their own, and need adult intervention.

Sometimes, a child should try to solve a problem on their own. If they can’t, they should find an adult.

Tattling Vs. Telling

I have taught my kids that tattling is trying to get the other person into trouble.

While telling is what they do if someone is in danger, or if there is a child that is hurt.

Explaining the difference to them has forced my kids to understand that there is a difference between tattling and telling. They have learned that telling is to protect, while tattling is to cause trouble.

Knowing the difference is a fundamental life skill as they grow up. They are learning to solve simple problems, rather than yelling and screaming for someone else to solve them. They are learning that they cannot control other people’s actions, only their own.

Being able to differentiate between tattling on someone and telling to solve a difficult problem is crucial. It will benefit a child’s growth and contribution to society.

Children will become better problem solvers, have thicker skin, and generally be someone others want to be around with this skill.

This is one of the most important things I have taught my children. They know to protect one another, and to do their best to work things out on their own.

How to Teach your Children

I believe siblings need to be each other’s allies. They need to have each other’s back above anyone else.

They should want to see each other succeed. Siblings should cheer for each other at basketball games and give high-five when they get good grades. They should be genuinely excited at each other’s success.

This is not without intention. It takes a lot of work to make sure that your children love each other and want to see one another succeed.

So when one of them hurts the other’s feelings, and your child runs to you, ask them “Are you tattling, or are you telling?”

Pause for a moment, have your child think about it, and allow them to respond with either answer.

Giving them this moment to pause, will allow them to consider why they are upset. It will give them a moment to see what they want to achieve by coming to you.

After a gentle reminder of asking “are you tattling or telling?” Your children will begin to think before they act. Over time they will solve their own problems and resolve their issues on their own.