Explaining to my Children Why Dating is a Big Responsibility

Responding to the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Question

I hear my kids giggle from the back seat as I my Kindergartener ask my third grader “How do you get a boyfriend?”

My third grade son laughs for a moment, then thinks about it. “I don’t know? How?” He asks my kindergarten daughter.

I see them glance at me as I look at them in the rear view mirror as I pull into a parking lot.

I park and look back at them as I turn off the car. “Why are you asking?” I say to my daughter.

“There is a girl on my bus that has a boyfriend, I want to know how you get one” she says innocently.

My heart aches that this is even a question at this point in her life. I hate that this is a thing that they are seeing and discussing at such a young age.

While I dislike the thought of them wondering such things, I want to give them an honest answer. I want my children to continue coming to me with their questions, even if it is hard to hear.

I took a breath and began to explain to both of my children, at their level of understanding. “Well, first, most kids aren’t allowed to date until they are 16. That is usually the age that boys and girls start to become boyfriend and girlfriend.”

I pause for a minute, considering, I say “Do you guys understand that there is a reason you would want to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?”

They both shake their head no to me. “Well you would want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend because you are wanting to get married and start a family. That is the point of dating someone, to see if they are who you would want to marry when you get older.”

This was a lightbulb in both of their heads. I could see the wheels turning. “I didn’t meet your dad until I was 21. I was dating because I wanted to find my husband. But it is something that should be taken seriously and respected. Because having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is a big responsibility. Does that make sense?”

My son understood, and said he was not ready to have a girlfriend. My daughter asked why her friend said she had a boyfriend then. I answered this question as delicately and honestly as I could.

“I think that sometimes as kids, you play the way you see things. So sometimes in class, you play house with a boy, where he is the dad and you are the mom, and other kids pretend to be the baby, right?” She shakes her head yes with a big smile.

“Maybe her mom has a boyfriend that is really nice and fun, and she sees that and thinks it is something that makes her mommy happy, so it would make her happy too. But it is just another way of pretending. But it is a silly game, because just like when you are playing house, it is something fun, but not something that you will have for real, because you are a little kid.”

This was how I got through to my daughter. She understands that we have different lives, that her friends don’t have the same type of family that we do. So maybe they are going to play differently from us. 

I could have answered them with the typical “You are too young to date.” Or said “You will start dating when it is the right time.”

But to them these are big questions and a big part of their experience at school. I wanted them to understand that they are still children, and that this was something for them to experience when they were older.

I explained that dating is a big responsibility, and that is why we want to wait until we get older to do it. I also wanted them to understand that the other kids have seen and experienced different things, so they may act and play differently.

Telling them in a way that they understand, but also showing them compassion has been important to our relationship. My kids are young, but I am hoping that responding to them honestly with an explanation will encourage them to continue coming to me with these questions. 

I am a firm believer that kids need to be kids as long as they possibly can. They need to run and play and use their imaginations each day. They should focus on childish things and avoid adult topics.

Kids are incredibly smart and need things to be explained to them, if we beat around the bush, especially with direct questions like this one, they won’t believe us and will stop coming to us for advice.