Defuse an Argument with your Spouse Using These 6 Steps

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6 Steps to Take to Find Calm, After an Argument

It was another long week. After running errands, doing kid activities, focusing on schoolwork, and cleaning the house, I am ready to get out and do something fun with my family this week.

I hadn't seen another adult in two weeks and was ready to go have some fun, away from this house.

I made plans for Saturday to take the kids to the trampoline park and then to my nephew's birthday party that evening. I had been looking forward to this weekend, so I could visit with friends and family while my children ran and played.

When my husband came home from work on Friday evening, I excitedly told him about my plans for tomorrow.

He sat there, saying "ok" and "sounds good", but not acknowledging me much.

I got annoyed, "Why aren't you saying anything?" I asked with too much attitude. "You don't want to spend time with us?"

"Of course, I want to spend time with you guys. I am just exhausted. It's been a really long week. That is just a lot to do in one day." He said to me, exasperated.

Que, the argument.

My husband was looking forward to a weekend of relaxing. He had worked overtime this week and had been in meeting after meeting. He was stressed out from all the chaos of work, and the idea of being in large crowds with people all weekend was not his idea of a good time.

He felt like I was demanding him to go and do more, that I was scheduling his life without any breaks.

I was tired of being cooped up. I wanted to see people and be in the crowds with the chaos for a little while.

We both were thinking about what we wanted and needed at this moment. We didn't consider what the other was feeling.

Man and woman frustrated at one another.

1. Take a Breather

At that moment, we were both seeing red. We were so angry that the other didn't understand what we were going through.

Before things escalated any further, we said that we needed to calm down and take a break. We would come back and talk in thirty minutes.

We each walked away from one another for thirty minutes. As I was pacing my living room, thinking about how selfish he was being, I told myself to try to think of his perspective.

When you need to take a minute to compose yourself, make sure you and your partner agree on taking a moment. Agree to come back to the conversation at a set time to continue talking. After a few minutes to yourself, you should both feel more level-headed.

Go for a walk, or sit in the living room for a few minutes. Try to calm down and breathe.

2. Consider Another Perspective

I paced my living room during my break and I asked myself "why did he seem so annoyed when I told him the plan?"

As I thought about his reaction, it dawned on me that I had told him what we were going to do. I didn't even ask him what he wanted or if it even sounded fun to him.

I had put my needs first and didn't consider his needs.

While my emotions were still heightened, I knew that I had made a mistake. I needed to own that, even if it meant admitting I was wrong and not getting my way.

While you are taking a break from the argument, do your best to consider your spouse's perspective. Try to consider what would make them react the way that they did. It can be hard to think of someone else in a heated argument, but it will be beneficial if you can begin to do this.

3. Explain Why You Were Upset

When we came back together, we explained why we were feeling the way that we were.

I genuinely listened to what he had to say (without being defensive) and I was able to understand what he was feeling.

I was able to explain to him what made me so upset, and he understood my perspective as well.

Explaining what made us feel the way that we had, forced us to consider each other's perspective and show more compassion.

Understanding your partner in these moments is the key to letting go of anger and frustration in a poor situation.

A great majority of arguments come from misunderstanding one another. Do your best to take the time to listen and explain yourself after an argument.

4. Apologize and Forgive

I apologized, saying that I was sorry for reacting poorly. That I hadn't considered how he was feeling and was focused on my own excitement.

He apologized in return. Saying he should have explained himself in the beginning, rather than just agreeing with me.

Apologizing shows that you are sorry for your mistake and that you are not going to let this happen again.

This is not a quick way to end an argument. An apology should only be given and accepted when you have solved a problem and you are truly willing to move on.

5. Compromise

Now that we were both level-headed and considering one another's perspective, we talked about compromising on making the weekend work for both of us.

He wanted to have a few hours to be home and relax without any chaos. I wanted to get out and play with the kids.

We decided that he should stay home, while I went to the trampoline park with the kids. Later that evening we would go to my nephew's birthday party as a family and spend time together.

Finding a compromise on what we both needed at the time, made both of us feel like the issue had been resolved.

We moved forward with no resentment or anger toward the other person. The compromise should be a genuine acceptance of making things work for both people.

6. Move On

We could have easily gotten wrapped up in the argument. We could've been angry at one another, not willing to consider the other's perspective, and fought all weekend.

Taking a few moments to step away and consider the other person's feelings and behavior had been a huge step toward forgiveness for us.

It allows us to calm down, regroup and remember that we are in this together. That we are partners and need to be considerate of what the other person needs.

Apologizing when we know we were wrong has also been a crucial aspect of our marriage. When we know that we were out of line, we try to learn from it, apologize and avoid making the same mistake again.

Finally, finding a compromise that will work for both of us is key. Marriage is a give and take. The two of us should want to do things that will make the other happy. Compromising is a great way to show that you are willing to put in the work.