My Kid Does Not Need to Hug Anyone

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“Come here and give me a hug!” 

These were the words I heard as my friend grabbed my toddler son off the ground and lifted him into an embrace. 

I walked toward my friend, who was squeezing my nearly two-year-old, and I saw that he was clearly uncomfortable. 

Looking at his face, I could see he was confused and wanted to get down. He did not know this stranger and wanted to know why she would pick him up off the ground like this. 

I reached for my toddler, and pulled him out of my friend's arms, as she gushed over how cute he was and how happy she was to see him, unaware of his discomfort. 

I knew that my friend was just showing how excited and happy she was to see my son, but he was not happy about this encounter.

He stayed right next to me after that. I could tell he was already done and wanted to go home. 

Then and there I drew my line for my children. 

I was not going to allow anyone to think they could pick up and play with my child without their consent first. 

Explanation to my Children

I spoke to my son and told him that he is not required to give hugs (or kisses) to anyone. 

I told him that sometimes I don’t like giving hugs to people. I shared that there are times my mood might make me not want to hug people, such as feeling grumpy or nervous, and sometimes it is just because I am uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter why I felt that way though, if I don't like the way someone makes me feel, I don’t have to give the hug. 

Sharing my personal feeling with him, made him understand that I trust myself, and he can trust himself too. 

I explained that it is his body, and he has the right to tell people no. That he should never feel bad or guilty for saying no. We decided on a few rules and wrote them down on a piece of paper so that he would understand that this was important. He colored our first copy of the paper, and we did our best to make this an important conversation, without scaring him too much. It was important for us to convey this message without making our child fearful of all adults.

He now understands that it is his choice if he wants to go give people a hug or not. We had this conversation and created our own list of rules for our home and our bodies. You can make your own list of rules by using the link below.

Family Rules

When kids are told to “go give a hug” or are grabbed by someone and hugged, they are learning that their body is not theirs. Being told to do this or accept it, shows them that they need to do what other people want them to do, even if they feel uncomfortable.

I wanted my children to understand that it is their body and their emotions. They can say no, every single time if that is what they choose.

After brainstorming, our family decided that we wanted to still show people that we were happy they were around, but maybe we didn't want to give hugs at the time.

There are many ways to say hello or goodbye to people, rather than a hug. So we introduce “Wave, high five, knuckles or a hug”. 

When we are leaving a party or an event and we are saying goodbye to people, I ask my kids these questions quickly as we are going to say goodbye. “Do you want to wave, give knuckles or a high five, or do you want to give them a hug goodbye?”

This question has allowed my children to have options of saying goodbye (or hello) to people, while still showing that they care for them. It allows them to take control of the situation and decide how they want to approach people.

Some days, before anyone can say anything my son will run up and say “See you later! Thanks for coming!” And give them a fist bump before running away. 

Other times, he will leap into a person’s arms and hold on tight, saying “I will miss you, see you soon!’

He has the option to say hello and goodbye in the manner that makes them feel the most comfortable.  This approach has done wonders for my children and establishing and understanding boundaries. 

A great book series to look into to help teach your children to “Say NO”, and how to deal with their emotions is the My Dragon Books.

Boundaries and Respect 

I have explained to my children that it is up to them, every time, with no exceptions. 

They have the freedom to decide whom they will allow to touch them, without worrying about being polite or respectful. 

My children have learned to trust their bodies, they know what they like and what they don’t like. I have told them there is nothing to feel guilty about, if they don’t feel like giving hugs that day, they don’t have to. 

Boundaries and respect go hand in hand. Our children know that they are expected to be polite to friends and family, but they are not expected to do anything that makes them uncomfortable. 

This is their body. 

They have every right to tell anyone (yep anyone) that they do not want to be touched. Myself included, I will never force them. 

I am My Children’s Protector

They know to go with their “gut feelings” and I will stand by them, always. I will fight for my children.

When my children show affection to people because it is always genuine and never forced. This feels so special because everyone around us knows that this hug means something to my child.

My kids have every right to be comfortable doing whatever they want with their bodies. 

Allowing my kids to say “no” to being touched has allowed them to create boundaries of their own. They are good at enforcing limits with the kids at school, their friends, and their family.

All because of a hug, I have been able to have important conversations about physical affection. The skills that they are learning now, will help them say no as they move into adulthood. It will help them stand their ground and defend themselves from anyone and everyone. 

As my children grow, they will have the strength and courage to enforce their boundaries if they need to. They will be able to set healthy boundaries within their relationships because they have been doing so all their lives. 

I am my children's protector. It is my job to teach them the skills they need to succeed in life. Bodily awareness and boundaries are an essential part of protecting them.